agentmui

I might start taking up running. No, jogging. Maybe it's best to start out gently - yes, brisk walking sounds about right. I would have to do it in the early morning hours or late-ish night hours so I may avoid the public having to look at my flushed and hyperventilating face.

Is what it feels like in my chest. Oh! I shouldn't even bother wanting anything! Then again, what am I, twelve years old? I should grow the hell up. "Grow up you big baby!"

I should know better. But even though material possessions are fleeting, why couldn't I at least have this little happiness in this lifetime?  I don't think I want much. Buddha is right, however - desire is suffering.

YET. She was so beautiful; a Sears-Roebuck 3 speed with curved handlebars...oh my gawsh. It was love. A fixer-upper but she would have cleaned up nice my goodness.

THEN. A day late and $60 short at the Salvation Army of all places damn it all. The Salvation Army! I have never heard of anyone not being able to afford anything at the Salvation Army until it happened to me. Yeah, did I ever lose my shit (inside my head). I hope Mom did not see my face color from disappointment when she told me it got sold. Were my eyes glistening? No. Jeeeeeez.

Nuts to this. I am going to try getting a second job. (But Buddha is still right. If only we wouldn't make such beautiful things.)

I saw a shooting star on my way home last night!

What made me look up at that moment I don't know. It was wonderful.
Will everything be okay? Everything will be okay.

(Brown and Orange 26, hopefully you will be mine.)

Gee whiz Bi told me a knee slapper last night.

Dad had picked him up to go with him to get Uncle and Auntie from SFO. (Note to self: Get proper reference or name for Uncle) What Bi wasn't expecting was Dad bringing along his new girlfriend. I was a little disgusted at this, only because I thought at least one of my parents would know better than to try again at relationships, especially frivolous ones. Bi agreed. He went on to say that after leaving the airport, Aunt Jenny and Bi go off by themselves in a store to look for Miyazaki movies for our 10 year old cousin back in London. She'd only seen Kiki's Delivery Service and they can't find any others. While browsing, Jenny asked, "What do you think about your Dad's new woman?" Bi mimicked this for me in a jokey British accent and I laughed. Bi replied, "I dunno. She hasn't said anything to me all day." To which Jenny said, "I'm not too keen on the bitch." OH MY GAWD. Understandably, Bi told me he laughed and laughed. I laughed and laughed too. I wonder if the middle aged individuals of the Asian immigrant generation are afraid to be alone.

The past Sunday Bi moved into the Berkeley dorms real super easy and smooth. I'm so glad he only had several garbage bags of stuff - everyone else looked like they were moving to Europe forever. I mean they had so much luggage. Everyone looked so college-y. Scholarly? No. Almost everyone looked like tourists. Good luck to them.

We were friendly with Chris in the facing dorm and he seems pretty nice, has an easy laugh - he's from San Diego, a Padres fan but I make it clear we're As fans. We all agree the Giants are dooky. We walked a ways and ate at the dining commons together; pesto pizza (after having escaped the "Asian" cuisine line). The "DC" smells like a mysterious gravy, and Chung called it the "buffet smell." Augh. They tell me the food is laced with laxative so there's no chance kids can get food poisoning. A day later, I felt that there was no difference between the laxative strategy and food poisoning. Bi attests to that. And cousin Fung (haven't seen him in YEARS but he's still as funny as snot and basically the same but calmer) said about Chris at the restaurant earlier, "Everyone wants to be friends with the handicapped kid. Just watch." And I was like what WHAT?

Anyway, Fung is graduating this year or semester I don't know, whatever it is it's his last, and he had recently taken his MCATS. MCATS! My gawd. I must say Fung is pretty level. I think he finds me funny. We told him we know how big the MCATS are, we watch ER! When I told him I'm not in school anymore, he assumed I graduated, and when I said no, I don't go to school anymore, he goes, sure you did. He's funny. Basically he's been in school his whole life, and will continue to go to medical school. Molecular biology. I'm proud of him, and proud of Bi too. Maybe they're going to save us and in exchange we no-schoolniks will keep house for them. 

Later Chung went to visit with a bunch of his friend girls who've taken up an apartment right across the street from Unit 1. They found out they have cable when they hooked up their TV. I saw the commercial for My Cousin Vinny, and I told them to watch it later tonight at 8, Channel 41 I believe. Marisa Tomei is hilarious and adorable in it. And while I watched White Oleander (Michelle Pfeiffer has really maintained hasn't she?) I listened to those girls talking and they are gawdamn hilarious. Did you know girls are so funny? Guys talking is funny too. I always thought Chung's social sensibilities would make him an able girl. Haha! These year of the rat kids. 

Then we went back across the street and while Bi visited with Chris in his dorm we just sat in Bi's until a couple of girls knocked on our door. I opened it and and said Hi. For some reason the girls were struck dumb for a moment. Then I said How's it going? To which they replied something like they were meeting people on the floor, they think they're the only girls. "I'm Phyllis" and "I'm something" (I didn't catch it, because I was thinking of the other girl, Phyllis for an Asian girl's name? Maybe she is Christian.) Then Chung and I went Oh we're not - our brother's in this room. And I go We might as well tell Bi bye so I knocked on Chris's door and zoom it opened quick (Chris has a remote for the door) and again I think Phyllis and what's her name were taken aback. I introduced them: "This is Chris and this is my brother Samson." The girls introduced themselves again and again I missed that other girls name. "Well Bi we're gonna go pick up Mom now." And then we left, and once outside Chung goes something like, "Man. It's started. People meeting people." I go What are you talking about? He says, "The filtration process! People deciding who they're gonna be friends with, what guys there are to get with." What what? Really? Chung assures me, "Yeah!" Geez. What Fung said about handicapped kids better be true, or Chris and Bi are gonna be really lonely.

Geez I should've written in here more as now I don't really remember so well the things I did or seen. Maybe it's good that I haven't been keeping up since mostly I've been working my boring ceaseless maddening job, watching lots of movies, and eating lots of candy. Fruit Roll-ups were 10 for $10 but I only bought 4 boxes because I didn't know how I was gonna carry them around all day. 4 boxes though fit in my bag just fine like two big books. 

Lots of good shows were hysterical, along with a few bad ones ( still with a few moments of funny). I remember the good: Regina Spektor, Viva Voce, Fiery Furnaces, Nekromantix, Lavender Diamond + Deerhoof + Electrelane, Tussle + The Go! Team, and Dengue Fever just several days ago. I should keep in mind that no matter how good we think a band is, extenuating circumstances like tiredness or thirst or 2 hour commutes or assaults on our nostrils can drastically reduce the enjoyment value of seeing a live performance. And then there are bad shows that don't have so much to do with a band's performance as it does the incredibly long waits between incredibly short (short!) sets. I liked Warbler though: "Thank youuuu...for be-ing so po-liiiite."

Every day is mostly the same now with each day rolling into the next with alarming swiftness, and I find the movies I watch dictate my feelings for the day. Recently Ryan and I watched Lilya 4 Ever (made me want to kill myself), and if I didn't hate post-Soviet Russians before I do now. Just kidding! Not really. Actually, it's just film depictions of Europeans that I hate. They are just so evil. Techno is evil. European techno (is there any other kind?) - evil. Movies tell me who to hate. After watching Xui Xui the Sent Down Girl I wanted to kill myself or somebody as well. But that's not very reasonable, to lump an entire country or people together to hate because of characters' representation in a movie (except Mao, I'm pretty sure I hate him, the lecherous chairman rotten toothed no goodnik bastard). I guess Lilya affected me because it was normal people doing evil to those defenseless against it and thinking about it now, I suppose I just hate seeing the exploitation of women and children. Anyway, go watch a movie where a poor girl abandoned by her two faced mother is forced into prostitution against a techno soundtrack and see if hate isn't one of the feelings that well up. The film made all of Russia look like one big ghetto. You will cry! Fortunately we followed up with Last Life in the Universe. It was sad in a quiet way, but the characters found closure in the end, unlike in Lilya. Now if Kenji would only go to Russia etc. to take down human trafficking instead of trying to commit suicide over regrets of his days as a yakuza - he was already in Thailand! I think that is what I'd like to do maybe, if I was incredibly stanky rich or bankrolled by someone who was, who wouldn't mind the absolute solution: kill them all! Crazy yes!? Something extreme has to be done to take down the oldest sordid business in human history. If only I were untouchable, like Batman.

Anyway, I went to Disneyland for the first time with Ryan's family. They do this every few years and this time I went with them. Yeah I did! I left the Bay Area (the 3rd time since going to Lake Tahoe for the first time with Ryan's family over 4th of July, and Reno with my folks when I was 12) and went to Los Angeles for the first time! Yes, tiresomely it was a lot of firsts, making me seem Amish or something. It was a hot and arduous journey by car where the landscape was occasionally broken up by a very nice house in the middle of nowhere. Some even had fountains in the front yard! The ranch life has been good to them. Lots of great black oaks, the real oak land. Saw lots of crops, we smelled strawberry patches, and later, cows. It's just like the California cheese commercials. LA traffic eventually made us want to die (our asses ached!), but we managed to get to the museum on time to see the King Tut exhibit. But guess what: we were all a little disappointed! I dunno if it was all the people in touristy summer clothes or what, but the gravity wasn't there - it seemed too theme parky, too full of pushy people. Hard to believe the treasures of a dead boy king were such a let down (the stories were better - boy did they ever hate the Nubians!). The exhibit was all build up, build up, and then, when I thought I was going into a room that would finally have Tut's coffin, it turned out to be a -- gift shop. And thus the magic died.

Everyone was pretty beat by the time we got to the hotel, and after some Del Taco we crashed hard. But we had to get up pretty early to catch a complimentary hotel breakfast before Disneyland opened. Craig had it all planned out in his head the most efficient itinerary in order to hit the most rides as we could. I think it worked out pretty well for my first time, they told me I did 19 attractions/rides in 15 hours. Thank you Fast Pass! Space Mountain was jerky fun, but mostly I remember seeing stars (ha) when my head snapped back and I bunged the back of it against the seat. Splash Mountain was dreadful fun, Indiana Jones was impressive, but Tower of Terror made me lose my shit! I dunno why the sensation of a giant shaking a box up and down with us in it made me laugh so hysterically and uncontrollably. Carol said the guy next to her was a big baby, which was all the more funny because he was this big strapping guy with a beard. The second time around was just as fun but there were these preteen boys who oozed apathy. The same with those old looking teenage girls on the riverboat ride who rolled their eyes everytime the conductor made a joke. We thought he was pretty funny in an ironic way: "You don't want to beheaded there. Yeah." Disneyland at $75 a day is a pretty expensive place to waste your time pretending to be bored. Just take in the extravagent hokiness of the place and enjoy it, otherwise one will be very sad. It's okay to pass over the tiki house though. As the day wound down Carol had Ryan and me sit in for a silhouette -- by this incredible lady who had mad scissor skills! It was kinda weird. She would ask you questions about yourself while she scissored, like she was channeling your essence or something, and seconds later tadam! Finished! Fun.

Back at the hotel to sleep after an exhausitng successful day. Oh yeah, Ryan and I were left behind outside of Indiana Jones, and now I know how easy it is for kids to go missing. It was only a second we looked away, and all the grownups were gone! Luckily it was decided earlier that if we separated, we should meet at the Disney statue on Main Street. Also, there was a confrontation with the park's rent security -- Jerry boomed, "Who the hell are you?" Even out of context it's pretty funny. Jerry doesn't even need to cuss to seem admonishingly scary. Huh I better wrap this up. After another complimentary breakfast (procured by Carol and Lisa because we got there too late), Ryan's aunts left for Elvis, and our Red Team proceeded to Giant Robot. After receiving ineffectual driving directions from the GR clerk (it's okay, she doesn't drive), Ryan was ready to forget about it, but was glad we didn't when we got there. (All three GR/GR extensions were on the same street!) GR is great! Tinier than GRSF, but packed with maybe 3 times the stuff. Then we took a look in the GR gallery, which was showcasing an artist's beautiful work, and which contained even more t shirts. Afterward we ate at gr/eats: I had the bass, Craig had paella, Alan had fancy fries and I think some half and half combo plate, and Ryan had a veggie burger with salad - the ai yamaguchi murals on woodcuts were wonderful. The bathroom was very normal which was odd to us, but the walls were painted in a very practical and calming asphalt gray. It had nice liquid soap. After Alan paid the check and we all took a look in the bathroom, we headed home.  

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I got to thinking about the dirt plots in front of the house. The landlords are prettying it up and already they've put in a rounded corrugated brick border. So far nothing's growing, it's just a mess of plant matter and dirt and then it hits me! They cleared off the plots. And Mom had planted the jade plant Grandma gave me into the dirt plot, planted it right against the house when we moved in. All these days coming and going after the plots were cleared and I didn't notice whether the jade plant was still there or not and I still don't know. I just lay there and did not blink for a while. There was a weird sensation in my chest, like wanting to sob and wanting to throw up at the same time. Then I got angry and squinched my eyes shut. Eventually I'll go see if the plant's still there, and finally decide if I should cry or get sick. Gawd I'm stoopit! The plant is all I have left of Grandma and if it's gone... I feel like getting into a fight and getting punched in the face. I'm too much of a coward to punch myself in the face.

Been hanging out with Ryan a lot, and his apartment is nice -- it must be nice to be surrounded by only the things you like and nothing extraneous. Makes me realize how much garbage has taken refuge in my room. Recently Ryan discovered his kitchen is in the vicinity of free wifi (the best signal is from atop the microwave). We watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset and soon we'll have to watch Star Wars in chronological order of release before the new one comes out. It's some kind of big deal, and for his family it's a major event. His mom and aunts and uncle and grandma are pretty hilarious -- they network! I think they're all curious to know more about Ryan's personal life (whoa there) but I'm not in the position to reveal anything. Now I understand what Ryan means when he says he likes to keep "Family Ryan" and "Friend Ryan" separate -- I think we all do that, we just don't refer to ourselves in the third person (hoho!). Tonight we're going to K+K's apartment warming party which should be quiet fun, but how do these things work? I didn't get them a present!

Saw Deerhoof the past Monday, and they were great! Much better than the last time when Ryan and I saw them (they weren't that into it maybe). This time they seemed happier, I dunno, and Satomi danced around like a magical traffic conductor tossing flecks of glee! Melanie told me (Jen told her) the drummer has Tourette's -- could that explain why Greg's so good? And Chris and John who played guitar are so messy wholesomely goodlooking, as if they drink milk for lunch. Like they play baseball in the weekend. Darlene and I eventually got to the front with a lot of "Excuse me may I get through?" and when it wasn't going anywhere one guy said "You have to assert yourselves" which was a laugh, but another guy in front of us heard and was nice enough to make a path. We zoomed in with a thank you, but we had to leave Melanie and Jen behind. We felt bad. Leaving a man behind. But gawsh then we looked forward and lost ourselves to the magic -- when Satomi did a funny dance where she knocked her knees together (with one hand!) we lost our shit laughing. And come to think of it, you can indeed mosh (I don't like the word, mosh -- eh) to Deerhoof! A bunch of kids did just that to the irritation of the people getting knocked about.  

I thought helping a friend move would be no big deal, but it kinda is! I always forget how dookie moving can get despite all the times us kids and Mom had to do it. And with Mom, it was like sneak attack overnight moving, nothing left in the old place except for lots of utensils and dust and old farts. For some reason Mom neglected to tell us about our imminent moving (ignorance for secrecy's sake maybe?) and so it was a surprise to all of us. Eventually Chung and I were like whatevs, but Bi was upset (mad!) because he was still in high school and didn't like the idea (HATED) of transferring to a new school in a new city. I think we screwed him up, as he has so far attended three high schools with very different academic approaches (what the hell is IMP 4 or Intermediate 5/6?). It's a wonder he's still motivated to go to college! When I tell Bi he's the golden child of the family (since Chung majors in Communications and none of us knows what he can do with that), he tells me to shut up, or he'll buckle from the pressure. Even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

Actually, the physical part of helping Khem and Khara (K + K) move may probably be the easiest part. Sure it was arduous at times (sofa up a flight of stairs, the elevator), but they have a couple nice neighbors (old Russian guy who helped with a corner of a heavy bookcase, and Robin from 1H who told us about the all access stairway) and it was also fun shooting the dookie as we rode with the stuff in the rental van. And Khara bought us McDonald's for lunch (had my first McFlurry - it's alright). Easy part over, they both still have to clean up and unpack and everything. Their new place is neat, and it'll be just K + K, very grown up. All in all a sweaty, at times uncomfortable (the negative nature of the move - why people gotta hate?) but kinda fun day. I hate the Park Merced area (veritable twilight zone rat maze with no cheese prize). 

Bi wanted MVP Baseball 2005 for PS2 and so I went to EB Games after work. Turned out to be a stinky idea because it started to rain and EB Games said they sold out and to come back later. Nuts!

Pretty crummy bleh day, and I opted to pass on Rasputin's to go home. The bus was way awkward crowded, but later I managed to get a seat all the way in back beside the window. It wasn't until a couple blocks before Park Presidio (when I put down the book Ryan lent me) that I noticed something in the nook between the seat and the side of the bus. Something turned out to be a long reddish wallet and a beat up black wallet, both in scrappy shape -- weird! The sight of them made me feel odd and panicky, because at first I thought the lady with the See's Candies bag sitting in this seat before me left them inadvertently maybe. The thought of touching them moved my guts for some reason (maybe they could have been filled with discarded scraps of paper and cigarette butts, I dunno) but I wanted to check for ID. And at first I thought, Dang! They are just filled with trash! But it was just stuffed with lots of business cards and laminated institution related cards (hospitals, Cannabis Club??), although it did smell like the belongings of a  heavy smoker. Figured the bus was not a good place to investigate, and I took down the bus number, 5464, and put the wallets in my backpack.

Once home, I rifled through them both until I found names. Blair Harper on a DMV document, and Liza Vayner on a CostCo card. It felt very odd to see these strangers, to have their wallets. I called information and got Ms. Harper's number and left her a message. She called back 10 minutes later and she talked quite a bit. She said she noticed the guy hovering and as he walked away knew he had managed to wriggle her wallet out of her posession. All on the bus it happened! "I don't know if you know this," I told her, "but your wallet is pretty beat up now." At this she laughed and laughed, saying "It was already like that. I had a rubber band holding it together." She also told me she's permanently disabled, paraplegic, and is on a large time consuming medicine regimen. How can anyone rob someone like that? The cad. I'm to return her wallet after work tomorrow (good thing she lives nearby there) in care of the florist shop below her apartment. But the red wallet isn't hers. I suppose it's Liza Vaynor's, but her number isn't listed. I did find a boolstore business card, with a Tracy's cell number on it. Tracy sounded puzzled as she doesn't really know a Liza Vaynor, but she said I could bring the wallet by the bookstore after 3. So I guess I'll do those things tomorrow, and then off to Gilman with Melanie and co.     

The house is cleaned for the most part. Bi and I rearranged the living room (note to self: never move furniture and do heavy chores while famished ever again. Almost crushed ourselves! But that was lightheaded fun). Mom was able to set up branches of beautiful peach blossoms (I think) and other flowers on the makeshift offering tables and on the mantle. I like the 'less is more' aesthetic, and I think Mom pulled it off. It's funny that Mom was running around all over the place looking for those blossoms, and it turned out the Korean florist shop a couple blocks away had them all along. When I told her, she said "Why didn't you say so!" I like Lunar New Year -- the one time of the year that we really make an effort to have a nice looking home (living room, really). Also, it's fragrant with the scent of sandlewood and jasmine incense all the time. Mom redid the altars with nice red foil paper.

Tonight I will stay up (I would've anyway), but I don't think Mom got firecrackers. We're going to make alms to ancestors (burn paper equivalents of those items from the world of the living! For some reason "Hell money" sounds really cool to me) and eat with Grandma and The Others. (Makes me wish we had pictures or knew the names of our predecessors.) However, I want a bacon bacon cheesburger.  

I miss Ryan. At the library with Melanie this afternoon, I thought of him when I picked up season one of The Office. I'm sure he's doing well and having a good time. I told Melanie the same thing, and that the thing about having no attachments (freedom to come and go as you please) is great! I know sometimes Ryan is not so okay about the way it goes for him (he calls it having an "untenable existence"), but who is? His untenable existence is a more pleasant one I think. I wish the hold on my attachments were more flexible so I could visit him up there in Portland. Hope "that boy" is okay!

But Julio said we'd all better jump on getting Bloc Party tickets, for when they come here in March, so hopefully Ryan'll come down then. Also, hopefully Julio does not get a dooky dreadlock. It would most surely ruin his pretty face.

I miss Khem. He went down to LA with Khara, and so I guess he won't be in school this spring? I dunno, he's not here and won't be for a while. A month I think. Khem is doing well I'm sure, because he has Khara, and isn't that usually how it goes for those and their boy/girl-friends? I hope he wears the herringbone Kangol cap down there, all snazzy like with his chucks and a brown/black/grey shirt.

And I haven't seen Deshion in a long while. I'm afraid to call him though, as it has been so long. I still have that bottle of plum wine I wanted to give him (Deshion and Amber are wine drinkers). I should like to visit Deshion soon -- he told me he and Amber got a new boy kitten. Now almost all the cool people I know have cats (no not really).

Melanie is defective. (Fortunately, her life will change *Ka-POW* when her clavicle heals. Fo sho!)

I miss everybody already! There isn't a real reason. Maybe there is. Bi's told me blabber about moving, something about the landlords being fed up with us, and Mom wanting to move to El Cerrito or Sacramento or Seattle or something when Bi goes off to college. I'm concerned that we'll all get too caught up with living everyday that it may be a hassle to visit, or entertain. I dunno! Honestly, the mediocrity principle applies, but it leaves me at a loss in terms of planning ahead. When am I gonna get jumping on beauty school or drawing on people? Also again, I'll miss everybody! I've actually made real friendly friends in San Francisco, interesting funny people who I think find me the same. People I enjoy just hanging out with. Ugh, I don't know if I like being so divulging. I'm sure it goes without saying my fighting formation buddies know how I feel about them. Don't you! Anyway, I'm probably not going anywhere for a long time, but with Mom, anything goes. Maybe this will give me opportunity to get real funny and good with writing letters -- people love getting letters! Huh, the pros and cons.   

Point behind my right eye, beside my temple, vibrates with intense frequency! A whining that reaches such a pitch, that I could emit a laser with a focused gaze.... And that is why I must drink only decaf from now on. I know it to be the caffeine now (or, the lack of it). The same reason why I had to drink a can of Coke everyday or I'd get a headache. Must wean self from caffeinated refreshments (withdrawal).

I came back from hanging out with Melanie tonight. She is broken! A (vain) little bird with a broken clavicle. I wonder if it's strange to feel strange at seeing a friend hurt. Was afraid I'd inadvertently cause her pain. Then I forgot and did! I think. I don't know if I actually took a good look at the site of injury. Anyway, friends ought not to get themselves hurt!

On the way home, it started to rain and bluster every which way. It was kinda fun. I was a little tentative walking because plant parts on the wet ground looked like worms, and I didn't want to step on innocent annelids. I'm no worm killer. Unless they're leeches. Those I can smite. Must smite before they bite.

We went to Oakland to see Dad Wednesday. He's still thin, and has crazy eyes! I can tell he's still restless. Although mysteriously vague, he seemed well enough and in a good mood. Dad thought I took up smoking and felt my back pocket, but it was just a pouch of Skittles. I told Mom I wanted to know our relatives -- Dad's mom and brothers in England, Mom's sister in Vietnam -- I have a hundred cousins maybe (or tens of them)! All of a sudden I feel this way. I want that feeling of instant kinship, that we're connected by blood! I want to start with the cousins I know and haven't seen in several years. Pretty sure we had a good time as kids, so we ought to have a good time hanging out now. It'd be hard though, since everyone's busy going about their own lives. And honestly, in our immediate family at least, I think we've estranged ourselves out of shame. The never-do-wells, the losers unchanged. Mom would probably say that it was some other reason. Either way, I must spruce myself up for a more impressive impact before I reacquaint myself with and meet relatives. That means learning a trade(s) and getting a job. Yes! Right now! Do it! Hurry up! (Win LOTTO faster)

It feels like I'm settling into something but I don't know what exactly, or if I'm okay with it. I should play and win the Lottery already, c'mon.

Recently I got into one with Mom when she brought up "my future", and really it ruined Jack in the Box for me. I was hoping she would talk at me after we all ate. It was weird though, because inside I was very leaden and stony, when I'm usually almost about to explode from anger. At one point I said, "This is all there is mom! This is all there is! The only difference is you can't accept it." It's only now that my words depress me a little. I won't be young forever! I'm about as effective now as when I was twelve, probably less so. At 12 I was obsessed with cleanliness (or at least I was very very routine about it) and I was a good student. Now I know it isn't that important (the cleaning part) because I could die whenever, so I should just make sure I always have clean underwear. And have as much of a good time as I can! I wanna make it so life is made of good times, and regular work to maintain those good times. Not life-enthusiasm draining work broken up by occasional good times as to not go crazy. I'm probably physically opposed to full time work anyway, as I can barely tolerate part time drudgery. The drudgery!

How do people ever get to the point where they can do the 9 to 5 without actually stabbing themselves in the neck? I wonder if we even have to worry about working full time anymore, with our current employment economy. For everyone to be able to work, it would have to be on a part time basis (4-5 hours a day four days a week or something). What freaked me out a while ago: a couple of sharply dressed young people (they looked like law students maybe?) walking into the office asking the boss if he was hiring for any position, any position at all. He was, "I'm sorry, the file clerk positions have already been filled." Apparently that couple had been hitting each suite on the floor. Well educated folks not even able to get jobs that they're overqualified for, because there aren't any for them to get! Maybe this just means people need to start moving out of California. Too bad most everywhere else is ass. Not the good kind.

I like Oakland. From what I hear about it, I think I could like Seattle. Other than that, I'm not good at imagining living anywhere else. I can't even imagine traveling and visiting someplace else. I have bad imagination or am some kind of stick in the mud. Where is there a place that is not too cold, or too too hot, has film houses and libraries and bookstores and music stores and comics and produce and eateries of good selection and quality?  Most of that sounds a lot like Oakland to me. East Bay. If only people didn't go there to murder other people so much.

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Museums in San Francisco are free the first Tuesday of every month, not Thursday as I thought. Since I slipped up (did not check until the last minute) Melanie, Darlene and I had to pay to get into the Asian Art Museum. There's a great red Tyrannosaurus inside a greater red cage in the front. Amazing. Inside, we ran into Darlene. I thought it was very fortuitous and amazing, after waiting outside for about 2 hours for her. Turns out Darlene was already inside all along! I wanted to laugh but was too amazed. Then we looked at all kinds of things. Jade. Swords. Snuff bottles. Bodhisattvas (really keen ones!) and deities. Paintings of intense looking higher beings. Pretty much stuff from South and East Asia, and a few galleries. My favorite of the galleries was this Japanese guy's rendering of his daughter displaying her favorite underwear. It was F-U-N. The whole day was fun. After a while Melanie and Darlene got hungrio so we decided to walk in fight formation to "Little Saigon" for some Vietnamese cuisine. I was all, "I don't want to eat at a place where someone took a shit across the street!" (not like I was going to anyway because Mom's cooking makes me biased) but we finally decided on that place. But then we awkwardly left when I suggested we go back to my house for pho. "Why don't we go back to my house for pho?" I asked, to which Melanie replied, "Cause you didn't ask." Well! I guess I didn't. Later we all must go back when Sui Jianguo's exhibit is on, what with all the hilarious scale models things. Mao's jacket. Greek statues in designer suits (one had a monkey at his feet). That was Sui's dinosaur outside. January 14th fo sho! Or whenevs.

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Hung out with Ryan and his family for New Year's Eve at his grandma's in El Cerrito. I met his mom for the first time, and I had previously met his aunts. His grandma didn't seem as addled by Alzheimer's (does she even have it? no she does not) or senility as he led me to believe. She must watch channel 32 arts showcase a lot too, as she recognized the channel when we came upon it with one glance. Or sound bite. His aunt Lisa is hilarious, and his mom and aunt Carol were busy with the mochi making. I helped make some too! I think I did not too badly as a mochi novice and I got to take some home. Later we played Scrabble and Carol schooled us to the max (she made something like 359 points!), after I made myself look stupid with my monosyllabic words. They were all very nice and his grandma's house is beautiful. Afterward we went all over for groceries on our way to Khem's to hang out for the ball drop. Dingleberries! We all wore hats (because we're cool)  while playing poker and Uno! and ate Smartbacon BLTs and mochi. The dingleberry drop was bo-ring (or maybe we should have watched it on the BET network like Chung did) and Khem and Khara made out with indiscreet kissy sounds, but Secretary was okay. I like Maggie Gyllenhal a lot but hate that guy who acted opposite her, mostly because he often plays detestable characters and maybe because he has developed a slight lazy eye which is distracting, reminding me that I may be developing a slight lazy eye myself! Melanie took Ryan and me back to my house and we promptly konked out. Before I did though, I noticed Ryan sputtering in his sleep. I had thought then that he was having an underwater dream, but he told me later he couldn't recall anything.

On New Year's night, Melanie and Darlene came by and got Ryan and me to see 5678s at Bottom of the Hill. Ryan seemed mopey or sleepy. But he was our hero when he gave up his ticket for Darlene when it was apparent the show was sold out. I thought maybe I could sell my ticket, and we could go do something, like go watch the Incredibles or something? He waited in the car instead. It was cold! I liked the show okay, but it was kinda disappointing, since the girls made everyone wait 20 minutes before they came out. They had a bunch of equipment issues, then they didn't even do an encore! We were "Awww" when a guy came out to take down their guitars. Darlene and I think they were too hungover and needed to pee. Not only that, but there were a bunch of jerks there, dancing all crazy and potentially eye injuringly, drunken leering, being tall, and a couple of dookies trying to start a mosh. Bobbyteens were great though! We said hi to Russel the drummer again, and he said something about waiting for a girlfriend, which puzzled me since he seemed so gay. Anyway, he drums and does back up vocals like a hyper monkey! I liked the first long-haired band too, but everyone else: Pass!   

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Past couple weeks have been a blur of activiity -- so much hanging out! It's fun but kinda exhausting. If only I didn't have work to bring me down, but then having no money would do the same. Having no money is dookie. But last week I asked boss for Friday off, before he left for a business trip, and it was an action packed day. Melanie came by at 8:20 and after dropping Bi off at school she dropped off her car at the auto mech's downtown, something about a recall. Then we walked to Goodwill on Van Ness and Market and we got shirts, although I didn't see any good pants. Maybe pants are something I need to invest in. Gawsh, I love the music they play at Goodwill! It was all "Who took the poisen ap-ple, YOU DID YOU DID!" I really MUST ask about who makes the mixes they play. Around 10 am we were famished, so to sustain ourselves, we went to Mel's to eat and I had meatloaf for breakfast! Melanie has a handy tip card to refer to. Afterward we went to library but it was closed and pshaw to waiting, we went to Rasputin's and got stuff. I got "Good Stuff" I did I did. Clerk guy said, "The Davendra Banhart album is great" and I replied, "That's what I hear!"

(That reminded me of the day Ryan and I had where, it was a spontaneous kind of day, last Wednesday, only it was weird because lots of people were nice! Sometimes I just want to say, "What's your name? Would you maybe like to hang out sometimes?" but that would be strange to them. They would be pressured and rushed and scared off at my eagerness to be friends. I'm inhibited in that I'm awkward initially, but I am impatient to make these friendships happen faster! Like with the pretty blonde girl in blue on the 5 Fulton bus, she said to us that it was always pretty crowded around this time after I told Ryan "I wonder if it's always like this around this time" after we boarded from the back. Then there was a smattering like Yeah the 38 is worse! etc. And after at Amoeba's the clerk guy, who had a big messy hair thing going on like the guys from The Rapture, was out of the blue like, "Today's my last day." I said, "Why!" and he replied, "I quit. I'm going to school." Then he talks about animation and claymation, on account of my Svankmeyer and Adventure of Prince Achmed purchases. He suggested I watch Alice by Svankmeyer, and I told him about Ocelot's Kirikou and Laloux's Fantastic Planet. At checkout I wished him "Good luck with school" and he was all "Thanks for these", gesturing the note that I wrote my animated suggestions on.) 

After Rasputin's we went home and Melanie watched Six Feet Under (she's catching up to me) while I tried to find a number for Julio. But no! I just left a message for him at the library, which he got luckily. Melanie left later to get her car and I went to meet Julio on Geary and 19th, but for some reason the bus driver wouldn't stop and I had to get off at Park Presidio. I figured, since I was there and very thirsty, I'd get a Slurpee, so I did. I mixed cherry and Coca Cola (I love Coke! Cokey Coke Coke!) together, and it was fun and cold and delicious. 7-11 clerk guy was very nice and jokey. I asked "May I have some napkins?" and he goes "No you may not have some napkins". He gave me a green straw. As I got closer to 19th, I heard honking, then Julio pulled up. He shivered when he saw my Slurpee, and he was drinking coffee because he had to buy something in order to pee someplace. Hazmat House is some kind of not quite warehouse, big and small at the same time. It had high ceilings, and a second story where people's rooms were. The room with the stage was small, and the stage was a elevated section of a corner below the stairs. Barely any room for the bands' equipment! I realized people lived there when, in the room with the merchandise, I saw a tiny toilet room at the end of the hall and Julio said, "Yeah, people live here." Julio bought an album of this band from Chile. We went to get a good spot, but I didn't want to be where the potential action was, so I burrowed out of there and got us purchase on the stairs. That proved lucky for us because below got crazy! It was packed tight because they let in anybody with $6. The guy who ran it yelled at a girl because she didn't turn people away and close the front door. She got upset and smoked cigarettes. So much drama! Also, weed! And cigarettes. It was hot and it stank of smoke. I thought most of these kids were straightedge? Oddly enought though, not that many people stank. Just the older crustys.

Altogether there were 5 bands? I forget since they seem to blur together and between each band they took a long time to set up (on account of there being no space). Pretty much the vocals were raspy screaming and fast guitars, and blurred drumming! I liked some more than a couple but can't remember. This faster hardcore stuff has that effect on me, I forget things and tend not to blink for a long long time. I liked this show better than the last one at Gilman's (which was more like sludge) as it was faster, and people did coo-ray-zy shit! And there weren't any weird ass goth kids doing weird hippy dancing. No, the kids at this show ran around in furious circles, there were waves of shoving, crazies leaping off the stairs and balcony onto the masses below, swimming in them, stomping on unsuspecting heads, body surfing. A few times people were too eager and got themselves face first into the drums and everything went crash. A violent orgy of human collisions! Luckily that guy who smashed his face was nursing a 40oz, but Julio said "He'll feel it tomorrow!" I did not get a headache. I got sleepy and yawned a lot in between bands however, and we were both thirsty. Julio got impatient and he said funny things, like "Which of these guys do you think is cute? I wanna know your type" which made me laugh. I told him it was easier to point out the pretty girls, and Julio agreed. We used my Banana Boat lip balm often. Julio craved Skittles and I left my Starburst in my bag. I think I like hardcore better live, it's exciting, and would not listen to it otherwise. Maybe except Limp Wrist. Their lyrics are like "I - like - hard - core, I LIKE HARDCORE BOYS!" Gay straight edge is right. I thought it was funny fun when people at the "I like hardcore boys" part pumped their fists and yelled along "I LIKE HARDCORE BOYS!" The thing is though, most of these kids knew the lyrics to most of these bands. Limp Wrist took off their clothes, and vocalist was down to his blue and white striped boxers (they were huggy). Drummer was in leather thong and fishnets, and Julio said his penis was showing. Julio was like, "Did you see the drummer's penis?" A lot of kids got down to their boxers too (I thought I saw a girl take off her shirt but it turns out he was just a pretty boy), and a couple guys got nekkid! One guy even body surfed, and he got all red from people slapping him. Julio said that guy ws lucky no one tried to stick their finger up his butt. "Why!" I asked. "Just to mess with him," said Julio. Once Limp Wrist finished we left IMMEDIATLY, squeezing ourselves past everyone else on the stairs, out into the brisk cold. On the way back to San Francisco we ate Starburst and talked. Julio is on a B diet, bananas for breakfast and bicycling, and has since lost 6 pounds.

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Saturday Darlene came over to watch some animations, but she only had time for Fantastic Planet and House of Flying Daggers. Darlene does not like Zhang Ziyi and how dare she not like her! Zhang Ziyi is spunky! But it's because Darlene doesn't like the fighting noises she makes, but I think they are sincere sounds. It means she is trying hard. No matter how hard she tries though, Ryan said she never wins and always needs to be saved. But c'mon! They don't make it fair for her, and at least she never gives up. That is spunk right there. Although I do see the characters (wenches, according to Darlene) she plays are pretty similar. I like that she kept her name. However, Darlene does like Maggie Cheung, her favorite, but Ryan does not because "When Faye Wong was dating Nicholas somebody, he cheated on her with Maggie Cheung!" Hohohoho! Whatevs! I still must see In The Mood For Love for Cheung's pretty dresses. After Darlene left, Ryan and I went to Giant Robot for the Tree Show Reception. There was quite a number of people there. It was nice, but I only really liked one piece, of two masked girls in the woods, one sitting, watching the other with her axe raised in front of a tree, in various red sepia tones. I want it! I will try to duplicate it without remorse. Then we went next door and ate vegetarian tacos. After that we were at a loss for what to do and so Ryan decided to go home, as it was cold. I went into Cala to get some Skittles for waiting for the bus, and on the way in this guy was sitting there with his big pretty black Irish wolfhound. I said "Hi" and he said "Hi" back and I petted his dog. I decided I didn't want Skittles anymore and went back out, "Bye" and petted the dog once more, and waited for the bus. I was restless and felt like doing stuff, but there was nothing to do and it was COLD, so I just went home. Then I felt like cleaning, so I put on some music, made my bed, vacuumed and threw away papers. Now I have a drawing space, if I could just think of something, or get the feeling. Then a bunch of Chung's friends came over (so so many! Very typical of these Year of the Rat kids) and they had some kind of birthday party for a couple of them. I think I came off as weird. I felt weird around them.

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Today I got a haircut. Mom impressed herself with her mad scissor skillz. She was like, "Wha!" and made a face that said Behold my work, I am the greeeeatest. It made me and Bi laugh. I killed a mosquito bloated with eggs. As it crawled on the coffee table, I didn't take it as a mosquito at first, because they don't crawl. When I squished it, instead of blood there were tiny white eggs, like slim grains of microscopic rice. I was disgusted, as it was probably my blood protein it used to make those eggs. In a way, they were my babies. Hohoho! At 5 I took a nap, then woke up at 8 and watched Nature while I recorded Simpsons etc. That Nature episode was about snow leopards of Nepal. Now that Kitsa's got winter fluff on her, she looks a little bit like a snow leopard. Sexy. 

Always thought I preferred to live in earthquake country rather than flood typhoon hurricane volcano country. The thing is, anywhere and everywhere is prone to earthquakes! And earthquakes can cause floods and the destruction of all the other natural phenomena. Just yesterday, the news in the morning said the human toll was thirteen thousand, then later that evening it was twenty-seven thousand? NOW, this morning on BBC radio, the estimated toll is 47,000 to 50,000! But the journalist said that figure is almost impossible to confirm because of the situation, of course. People being swept away by flood tides, buried under collapsed buildings -- anonymous dead laid down side by side or buried in mass graves. It isn't fair that they had to suffer five minutes of world shaking terror and then die by drowning or some other horrible way, missing and unnamed.

All this around Chirstmas time! When we in the west feel the most secure. Well, it was like any other day for me. Like it was any other day for those in southeast Asia. Jeez! Most of southeast Asia is comprised of coastal countries! Forget Homeland Security, the world needs to get together and form some kind of Captain Planet Natural Disaster League or something. Maybe Legion, that sounds cooler. I didn't know a high magnitude earthquake could disrupt the rotation of Earth.  

Cold today. Warm and bright at the beach yesterday, but it was cold downtown. Usually it's the other way around. Thursday's movie marathon was good, and I enjoyed Shaun of the Dead the most despite my already having high expectations for it. It's funny and horrifying and poignant, maybe even better than Dawn of the Dead. Bi pointed out that in a zombie situation like that, Shaun of the Dead is more accurate in portraying that not everyone has guns or knows how to use them. The grossest scene may be David being disemboweled and eaten alive, but then it was funny because it was stupid sabateur David and we all wanted him to go away (die).

After the marathon I stayed up to wrap Mom's gift of bath stuffs, but I couldn't find a box to hold the things. Then I found one, but couldn't find its lid, so I made one. I was too tired and cold to be frustrated. In all sorts of colors that looked appealing together, I drew an apple that contained "To: MOM" and a big neat snail that had "From: Ling & Bi" on the newsprint wrapping -- the snail had a word bubble, he said "relax." He/She said that, rather. I laughed to myself I thought it was so funny (and I was drowsy, so was maybe weak and easily amused). Finished, I went to bed at 6am, feeling stupid because it took me an hour and a half to make Mom's gift mysterious. But I also felt like, "Ha! This'll show her!", since that same night she and Bi went out to eat bun and she didn't bring anything home for me (while I was out searching for her gift so meticulously!). "Forget them," Bi relayed, were her exact words. So I ended up forsaken, having to eat a sandwich for the 4th day in a row for dinner. Yeah, I was a little hurt, but more hungry and sick of sandwiches than anything else. Sick of sandwiches. Sick of eggs. Eggs were 2 for 1 though, buy one get one free.

Ryan woke me at 12:30, and later we walked along the beach to catch the N for Powell. Oh, on the way to the beach we came across a pretty dog, whose eyes were the same red brown ocher color as the rest of her. It was so nice out that it seemed more like a balmy summer day than Christmas Eve,  as there were surfers and joggers and bikers and perambulators. Ryan took a few pics of us, with the axe. There was a rent-a-cop in baby blue who told Ryan to put the axe away though. Downtown was very peopled. Straightaway Ryan wanted to show me the kittens in their miniature environments at the Macy's windows. Unfortunately most of the cats were gone already, and the few left were sleeping. For some reason, the window with the tiny dining table set broke me up. The laughing bent my body.  At the time it seemed so absurd! "You're losing your shit!" went Ryan. It could have been that an older lady behind us actually swore a couple of vulgarities in her high old lady voice, she thought the cats were so cute. Wow! And it also could have been that we were still weak from insufficient sleep and hunger. Next we looked at the tree at Union Square. On the way to Rasputin's, we went into EA Games instead so I could get a game for Bi, in addition to the John Mayer concert DVD I got for him earlier. Viewtiful Joe was displayed for 29.99 and I was all okay, but at checkout the guy dug out one for 19.99 and I was like okay! Turns out the game was one of those "greatest hits" games and so was value priced to own. Then on the way to catch the bus to Mifune's, we patronized a sidewalk stand selling scarves and stuff. I got a black and purple one, quite keen, for a coworker who revealed to me the day before that she got me something. I thought that was sweet of her, but then I was like "Nuts!" because it meant now I ought to get her something. The Peruvian pigtailed gypsy lady in the city's scarf stand was very fortuitous, boy. After that, I was all moneyed out, which means I'll have to finish the gift thing next month after my next paycheck. Luckily, no one is aware or does not mind, and besides, it's about a happy birthday to baby Jesus. And even then, no one really knows the day the J-man was born (according to PBS). And even even then, we're pretty much heathens. Winter Holiday Prize Bonanza is then a time to think of other people, and what they might like, remembering a friend who likes owls or red things. 

But nothing for Chung because he pretty much got his own self a gift, the grinch. Ha just kidding Chung -- but not really. Maybe he's as useful as a poop flavored lollipop. Chung did make the delicious steak for dinner though. We almost didn't have mashed potatoes since we ran out of milk, and Chung was all "Don't you know any of the neighbors? Borrow some milk from them" but naw to that. Mashed potato emergency averted when Bi found three dollars in what is now referred to as his "lucky money pants", or "silver pants", the silver Levi's that Deshion gave me a while ago but were too big so he gave them to Bi. Those kinds of money discoveries are always fun. Bi was able to get a milk chug from the liquor store. I decided after dinner was a good time to give Mom her gift, with everyone together, and she opened it right there. She was surprised and pleased I think, and used the bath stuff that very night. I lit several of the teacandles for her and put them on the toilet tank and windowsill, glad that I scrubbed the tub and cleaned the bathroom (with the Oxyclean Melanie got me!) after I got home from Mifune's. (The funny thing about shopping at Bath and Body Works though, is that it makes the outside world smell worse! And I already have a heightened sense of smell possibly!)  Us kids went to hang out in the living room (to avoid having to wash the dishes), and I gave Bi his gift then. Bi was surprised, because earlier he saw me painting a polar bear head saying "Nuts" on the wrapping of his gift and he probably thought it was for a friend. I tricked him secondfold by putting his DVD and game in a shallow Rocher plastic candy box, and filled in the spaces with balled up paper. Mysterious! He didn't want to open it just yet, wanting to open it today, and instead he shook it and shook it. "I'll open it," said Chung very seriously. Bi put it away and Chung and I watched him play X-Men Legends. Chung got the -itis and promptly konked out, and I was telling Bi to "Destroy that transformer over there - to your right!" and "See if Rogue can pick up the snowmobiles to throw." She could indeed pick up the snowmobiles. When he got all his X-crew killed, he turned off the game and I suggested he open his gift now. He was all okay, and sat down to open his present. "Just tear it," I said, but he wanted to save the bear.  Watching him, I could have died, because when he saw the DVD he had a little smile on his face, but then when it was apparent that there was also a game, his smile got goofier. "Wow, Viewtiful Joe." He was like, You trickster. "Thanks Ling," he said, "I'll have to give you your present in January." Then I took back the candy box, to mix paints in. Jodi called for Chung later, waking him, to tell him about leaving to go snowboarding at 4am. So Chung hurriedly went to get his gear at Davis, and he probably won't be back until late tonight. There goes our ride, Bi and I thought, but Dad hasn't called again about us seeing him yet. I watched Hero again and then went to bed. 

This morning Mom and Bi went to Oakland to have dim sum with Gramps -- I should've went with them, but maybe it's better that I didn't, since the extra weight in the car would have caused it to overheat even faster. And I thought Dad might call. I ate some leftovers for brunch/lunch with a cupacoffee. Then! I remembered I had a gift left to unwrap. Ryan got me a sculpted bust of Hellboy! I laughed and set him behind my plant on my bedside bookshelf. I guess aside from not having everyone's gift on time and commiting the terrible mistake of opening presents before today, it was a successful first time participation of Winter Holiday Prize Bonanza. Khara got me crazy socks, Khem a mix mp3 CD (still gotta figure out how to play it), Melanie a huge tub of Oxyclean, and Ryan's aunt Carol and Lisa got me Curious George socks.

Do people actually like the flavor of kiwi strawberry? It really isn't delicious to me at all. I'd like to write a letter to Starburst about discontinuing their kiwi strawberry chew (for the California fruits variety of the candy, packaged in blue) and replacing it with something else. WITH PEACH! Oh yeah, that's good. Then it would be the almost perfect fruity candy out there. Skittles may do the same.  

What would be heart stoppingly exciting:

1. Hard candies that looked and gleamed like gemstones (Wow!) 
2. DYSON bagless upright vacuum (Science!)
3. mp3 player that also possesses FM radio (KUSF!)
4. Football helmet, in brown red or white (Invincible!)
5. Pair of dunks, brown and blue scheme (Scandalous!)

What would be more feasible, but WONDER inducing nonetheless:

1. Leafy hardy pretty potted plant, that is adverse to dying (Life!)
2. Old man cap in brown black grey or olive, in medium (For all seasons!)
3. Oaklandish t-shirt (with the Oak tree logo), red on olive (Keen!)
4. Locas, all Maggie and Hopey stories collected in one volume by Jaime Hernandez (Lovely!) 
5. Kelis albums! Yeah, I said it. Kelis! A huge poster of her would be great too (KaPOW!)

These lists can go on forever. Well, this year will be the first in which I partipate in the Winter Holiday Prize Bonanza. Jackpot! No, I'm quite nervous about it, but am also in anticipatory pleased tingles.

I've come to the realization that Bi is now a man-boy. He's betrayed his interest (superficially anyway) in girls, and he's gotten drunk before. Now why didn't I have friends with bammer when I was younger? Well I can answer that - I'm a dumb square. Anyway, Bi told me a story about a bus ride home. "There was an Asian girl sitting nearby and she had a pretty face, and when she got up to get off the bus, you know, I glanced at her ass," Bi said, "and it wasn't like I was trying to look I just did. But then a black dude got up and put his arm around her and gave me a look -- he looked straight at me." At that I about busted a gut laughing, and I asked him, "Was he a boy? He was probably her boyfriend huh?" "Yeah," Bi replied, "I wanted to laugh too. It was the funniest thing that happened to me all day." Then he told me about spotting hot chic lesbians with the greatest hair.

 

  

Last nights impromptu plan to watch Ocean's 12 didn't pan out (Khara and I didn't want to endure watching the movie in any of the first four rows). Ryan called us "Princess! Princess!" with quite a lot of fake/real vehemence. I thought it worked out real enjoyably though (no real burning desire to see the movie as it was), as we then rung up Melanie and I left her a cut off message. She invited us to join her at her friend Yvette's party in that terrible neighborhood (twilight zone of a bermuda triangle) and got funny frustrated giving us terrible directions. It was terrible! It was nice to see Melanie and later meet Yvette again, but I dunno about these drama kids. Or maybe just these inebriated drama kids. They were going Look at me look at me I'm performing and it was kind of a dozer. A girl there who thought my name was "Pooey" (funny!) reminded me of Molly Ringwald, and this tiny Filipina reminded Ryan of an Asian Sarah Sossamon. Khem was the only black guy there (now that I think about it), and he was ours! Parties are neat in that there's free drink, but we're shy and no fun so they're no fun. Ice breakers like videogames or playing cards were the things that were missing maybe? It did make us try harder to talk to eachother though since we probably isolated ourselves out of bashfulness. However we did come up with genuinely induced laughter. Finally Yvette was found so that we could all make a polite exit, and Melanie dropped us off at Khem's, where we proceeded to play 13, "Killer", Poker (Texas Hold 'Em!), and Scrabble late into the night (3:30am!). We sustained ourselves with Seniore's pizza and Coke. Pooey that I am, I managed to kick over a can of Coke, but Khara was all "No worries" because she had the good light bright power of Oxy Clean. I was impressed. She then provided Ryan and me with blankets to spend the night. Good gawd game night is fun.   Wait I almost forgot to say, that during the card games around 1:45am, there was a resounding BOOOM, then a bright white flash that pushed in between the blinds, then an echoing BOOM. We all went quiet, and Khara told us all to get down. It went on like that for a few moments, then we heard a drawling sneer, "That's what you git, bitch!" and lots of pattering. That's when I realized it was no firework. To think, all these years! Khara said, "That was a shotgun blast," and curled up into a ball. Ryan proceeded to start it off with a pair of threes. Game night was still great.

Dreams have been frighteningly mediocre lately. That is, they've just been rehashes of the day, but in weird jumbles of mixed up conversations and faces and activities. Occasionally this is broken up by funny ones where I find a big sack of money and I don't know what to do with it. Also, had a few disturbing ones where they concern my teeth (profuse bleeding from gaping holes, fillings falling out to expose raw nerves). Really visceral dreams that left me feeling strange but not too freaked out. I told this to Bi and he said he'd been having teeth dreams too, but more like nightmares involving locked jaws. "My teeth just clenched harder and harder until it seemed like they would shatter," he told me. Mom takes them to be some ill omens, something about teeth dreams being portents for things to come, but it could be she's just scared about getting a root canal. Or maybe the dreams indicate Mom's need for a root canal.

I finished Jerzy Kosinski's The Painted Bird a while ago and I don't know. Terrible horrible things happen to the boy one after the other, and if he isn't a victim then he is otherwise a witness to terrible horrible things happening to other people. I don't know if people were really this brutish to one another, no, to strangers, to the other, during this time. World War II in Eastern Europe. Kosinski makes it seem like most villages were a dirty superstitious lot (probably true, as he notes they were isolated), and gawddamn, if they didn't spend a lot of time raping or murdering or torturing. Euro rednecks! Throw in an outcast family with the mutual hobby of bestiality, too. Yankee rednecks have nothing on them no way. Basically I got that the boy was the painted bird who got shit because he didn't belong with any of those brutes, for being superficially different. It's a wonder he didn't just lay down and die.

Oh yes, saw Spongebob Squarepants the Movie and it was fun funny, although our reel must have been a test copy or a mistake or something, because many scenes had no color. They weren't just black and white, they looked like line drawings not yet filled in. Still, Spongebob works better in vignettes rather than an hour and 40 minute movie. The animation looked better though. Patrick was still disturbing and Spongebob hysterically hilarious (didn't think they could make him look like a drunk wino, belligerent too!), but the other funnies like Sandy were mostly out of commission. Hasselhoff is bizarre funny.  

Been eating a lot of eggs lately, like I've been into the big hot hearty stick to your ribs breakfasts, and -- almost all of the eggs in the carton of jumbo eggs we have contain two yolks! 2 yolks. What's going on with the mutant eggs? Mom said two-yolked eggs usually come out as roosters. Jeeeez, Omega-3 is good for meeee. Either that, or a heart attack. Or the end of the world with the coming of two headed roosters, or any other two headed farm animal.

Brownies are a good time, and Melanie was good enough to make some even though she isn't too cra-zeh about them. I don't think I'm gonna chase my can of Coke with milk anymore, because what follows is a lot of foaming action in my insides, and I felt it tickle my sinuses, my epiglottis. I hope 'epiglottis' is what I think it is.

Funny is what I'm feeling like. Funny because I'm feeling guilty for feeling content with the way things are, that I'm not going to school and I don't have a real job and I don't have plans and I don't care. How pathetic is it if I'm still like this when I'm 25, pathetic but I still wouldn't care too much one way or another. How unremarkable is that? But it isn't wrong I think, to just get some kind of job that I don't hate too much that pays a living wage that leaves plenty extra for me to eat well and watch movies and read books and go to shows and take public transportation and buy t-shirts. I would be happy with that. I think I would be happy enough with just that, because I know enough good people who I can call friends, who like me even though I'm so unremarkable. I've gotten so unremarkable that I managed to buy wine (good with cranberry or pomegranate or grape juice -- the power of antioxidants!) last night without having to get carded. It must have been the unremarkable zit on the end of my nose. Actually, buying alcohol without getting carded is fantastic.